▶ Tess - I Love You Always Forever

▶ Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever - Dailymotion
This is the song that I sang to Tess when she was a baby....it was the "unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen" lyric that made me start singing it and the fact that I could bounce her through her fussiness that made it stick.  There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that changes your perspective more than a first-born child....and Tessa has been changing my perspective from the moment I knew her life was formed.

It was a Sunday, after about 6 weeks of fighting to keep from going into labor too soon.  Russ went to church and I was too miserable.  My water broke, I made phone calls, Russ sped home and 8 hours later I met this red-headed, blue eyed little girl that entered our lives, entered our home and entered our hearts.  She smiled early, she laughed a lot and her independence nearly broke me....

She's eighteen now, a college student with a calling to change the world.  Russ and I are often told that our children are awesome and we agree.  But the questions that come about how we "did it" and "give me some advice so that my kids are as great as Tessa" stun me.  They stun me because from the very first moment of parenthood you realize that although every good parenting book/psychologist/minister will tell you that you must gain control early, it is impossible.  I'm gonna go so far as to say inappropriate to try.  Tessa's strong will as a preschooler could set me off....my goodness that child was stubborn!  But in the midst of me believing I was "controlling" or "winning the battle of wills" what was really going on was me learning how to control my temper....how to present patient even if I didn't feel patient....and learning to laugh at myself (and to be honest, her too!)

I have learned that God gave me this little girl (young woman) to love and nurture so that she could be a light in the same world that I'm trying to shine in.  She isn't my "trophy" because I'm wise and good at parenting.  She's not mine to control, but to shape and encourage so that when Satan attacks her she knows how to defend herself.  This perspective is life changing!

In efforts to teach her how to be kind, I have been able to understand just what kindness looks like.
In efforts to teach her to love herself and be confident, I have been able to understand how I stink at this!
In efforts to teach her to love others, I have learned to do the same...more and more.
In efforts to teach her to dream big and believe that God has big plans for her, I'm learning how to let go.

Tess is an old soul...I often tell her she's an old women stuck in a teenager's body.
Tess is an independent world changer who has learned to filter advice and seek council from those that she wants to become like.
Tess has an extraordinary level of integrity mixed with a touch of sharp sarcasm....kinda makes me laugh.

She is my first-born daughter with a bit of me, a bit of Russ, and overflowing with God....and I am grateful!

More Than Words

This song is honestly kind of a sad one, really. Nineteen ninety something was when the band Extreme released this song and Russ and I both loved it. I cannot even come close to counting how many times we sang this song in the car (ok, butchered this song). We traded off who would take the lead, who got the harmonies....sigh! Such good memories....

It was the fall semester of my sophmore year at Johnson. Psychology class. Russ cracked a joke in the back row and I thought it was hilarious. I could recite the exact line, but no one would remember the commercial he was quoting and it would just not be funny. But trust me, it was funny! And anyone who knows me at all knows that I love to laugh more than anything in the world. It was his sense of humor that caught my attention and in a matter of months after that joke was when I left the relationship at home that caused me so much heartache. It was his sense of humor that healed my heart and brought joy into my life....and to this day it is his sense of humor that makes our entire home filled with laughter! My girls think their dad is as funny as I do, and we laugh a lot!

A hockey game was our first date....April of 1991. I remember 2 things about this date:
1. I wanted to see a fight...a big one with blood on the ice.
2. He walked beside me....

I remember calling home and telling my sister that I never realized how much time I had spent walking about a step behind some of the people that I loved until he walked beside me as we laughed the whole night. My home church was looking for a summer intern to work in our youth group so I called them..."I have just the guy!" My dad says it was the sneakiest thing I've ever done and I always argue with him. I wasn't being sneaky at all....I wanted to spend the summer getting to know this hilarious, outgoing youth minister in training because I saw something I just might want to hang on to for myself.

Except for the 3 occasions (2 in one day!) that he freaked out and broke up with me, I was right!

I'd love to tell you how perfect our marriage has always been....but I think the beauty of our 18 years of marriage is some of the scary, depressing and bitter places that we have been. Russ will tell you that he didn't grow up until he turned 30.....a rough start in marriage and ministry. I will confess that my insecurity has not been easy to deal with. We have 2 babies in heaven to meet when Jesus comes back and gets us that I lost in miscarriage....seriously the worst year in my life! We have been loved by members in the churches that we have served and we have been misunderstood and manipulated...another terrible year for us. Deaths. Births. Changes. Boredom....and this list goes on.

When I reflect on my life and have those moments when I wander about what my life would be like if I would not have married him, I shutter. Really, I shutter. There is this feeling in my body that immediately occurs after I think about the "what ifs" because there are so many things that I love about my life that would be gone if Russ was not my husband. That first date when he walked beside me was just a foreshadow of the strength and love that is with me every day for the 18+ years that I've loved this man. His love for our Savior and his committment to trying to love me in that Christ-like fashion has given me freedom. I have been freed from my desire to have a career in counseling because he loved my desire as much as I did. How do I know? Because he made so many sacrifices so that I could pay for my MA degree and have that career. I have been freed from the need to be in control because his love has fostered a level of trust that has changed me. I have been freed from having to constantly fear someone mad at me because His leadership inspires me to seek God's approval alone.

When the radio plays those first few guitar chords of the song, I remember the fun in Knoxville we had singing at the top of our lungs...the beginning of a life-time of fun! I imagine that we will grow old together and you will find us in some retirement center laughing and annoying our neighbors because they can't sleep for the sound of our laughter spilling into their room....and I am grateful!

Something to believe in?

I know it's been a while....it's been a bit crazy this spring/summer. Russ, the girls and I have had a wonderful summer of travel...a new experience for us! We drove to Hilton Head Island and spent yet another wonderful week on the beach with our dear friends the DeRome's. I love you all dearly! We came home, did laundry and repacked and flew to AZ to the White Mountain Apache Indian Reservation. We built 1 week long relationships with some incredibly beautiful Indian children and families who struggle to find hope in this beautiful but dark part of the US. I came home changed, burdened and restless...a place somewhat familiar.

I remember it like it was yesterday. A night travel in downtown Knoxville (truly one of my favorite places in the world) my junior year in college. God and I were beginning to get to know one another on a level that was new for me....(but not HIM, thankfully). There was a radio station that played 12 uninterrupted songs and I loved it! Poison's song "Something to believe in" came on the radio and at the time, I loved that song. I never have been a big fan of Poison, I still can't handle more than a second of Bret Michaels and I have a number of old friends who will make terrible fun of me for even giving them this little of attention. But, I LOVED THAT SONG!

I loved it because it forced me to feel for a moment a burden...a burden that felt like it should be mine...the burden of hurt, lost and hopeless people. It was my turn to do the bible study on our dorm wing and I decided to bring my love of that song, my bible, and an effort to communicate the burden that I felt when I heard that song. Of course, as you most likely suspected, it was not a life-changing moment for any of us...surprise! But, as with all of the songs that have made it to my blog, it was an earmark for an important time in my life.

For me, this song represents the time in my life that God was validating my call to the counseling field by sending reminders through hurting friends, my own hurt/growth, bible classes that pushed us to the urgency of the gospel message, and yes, more hair band songs. I began volunteering at a children's home and trying to build relationships with teens who were longing for love and acceptance. I joined some teams on campus that were created in efforts to help us sharpen our leadership abilities as we prepared to enter ministry and the work-field after graduation. I started taking my college classes more seriously and striving to digest as much information as my pea sized brain could hold for more reasons than my GPA. Bigger and better reasons....the fact that I was heading into a work world that God already had planned for me to love others through counseling, reach out to hurting and lost people even if they weren't asking, and to empower others to do the same. I truly loved my brothers in sisters at JBC (or should I say Johnson University-JU?) because of the bond of this calling we all shared.

I turned 40 this summer...and I hate it!! I hate it for all of the vain reasons, of course. But really what I'm wrestling with is this expectation to move into less of a learner in life and more of a leader. I find this exhausting, overwhelming and impossible for me to do without regularly making contact with my God. But that trip to AZ and a few other opportunities that have come along are pushing me to tap into that burden over and over again...and to do something! It is this burden that exhausts me daily, but points me to my need for my Savior...and I am grateful!

After The Rain

I am incredibly annoyed when I am sitting in a sermon, bible study, or with a group of christians in a spiritual discussion and one of the important passages of scripture is used out of context. I realize that I don't have the knowledge it requires to ensure that I never take God's word out of context....really I do. It's just that when I do have a bit of insight or knowledge that has deepened my understanding of who God is and how He loves, I get a little protective. I see this a lot when someone is struggling through a difficult situation and another believer uses Romans 8:28 to reassure them that God has a reason for it. It really bugs me! REALLY BUGS ME!! And, with all things, if I get that worked up about something it's due to "my stuff" getting triggered. Here is when Romans 8:28 became real, deep and transforming for me....

It was a "Harry Met Sally" kind of relationship that I had. By the time I was a freshmen at Johnson, I believed that this relationship would become a marriage. It had been years of friendship that grew deeper and deeper with every failed attempt to make it a "dating" relationship. I will admit that I was crazy in love with a friend who said he wanted to marry me, but would not stay in that kind of relationship with me for longer than a few weeks at a time. Our last attempt lasted from August to Thanksgiving...and I fell hard. I believed this was it...the beginning of the "real deal"....and then he left again.

I am embarrassed to put into words how much it hurt me....so I won't. I was young, naive and this "reality check" broke my heart. I made the decision to walk away from this friendship that had meant so much to me and God was with me...in very tangible ways that changed me and made my faith my own.

I sat late one night after a weekend spent with he and his family for a Thanksgiving dinner out of town. I spent that whole weekend knowing that this was it....I would be saying goodbye and in a way that I'd not done before...to anyone. It goes against my nature....I am an incredibly loyal friend. I grabbed a steno pad, a pen and said a prayer "God, help me do this." I remember a very presence of my Heavenly Father....the pen-the words-the fluency flowed out of my fingers and I knew it wasn't me. To try to put words to this is difficult for me because there just aren't any that make this sound intimate and not cheesy. But it was a precious moment between God and I....so much so that I saved the original copy. I know, I'm a sap!

I sent that letter that asked him to stop calling me and allow me to let go on the morning that I went back to Johnson after Thanksgiving break. I always drove with a group of guys from Anderson....and they were so patient with me. I literally cried from the time I got into the car until we pulled into the drive at Johnson! They just let me cry, cracked a few jokes, reminded me that I would be ok....all the drama that comes from heart ache! God Bless them all!!

Then began a journey between God and I that I will never forget. I cried a lot, I was very angry...and struck by an incredible amount of guilt for saying goodbye. Johnson was lonely for me up until then because my heart was not there...it was at home waiting for this relationship to turn into something bigger. So the healing process moved from a lot of tears alone at night to a renewed sense of confidence and independence that made me plug into this wonderful school filled with world changers in the making. I remember one night with such detail that I cry when I remember it. It was late, my roommate was gone for the weekend and I was crying. I was reasoning with God that this really was a good time for Him to take me home with Him...I didn't have a family yet, it was easier for me to praise him in Heaven than here etc. etc. All those crazy things you allow yourself to say when your thoughts and emotions are hurting. I closed my eyes and I felt a hand touch my face like a parent does for a child who is crying. I felt it as clear as if my own mother were sitting on that bed with me. I was filled with an enormous amount of comfort and I drifted to sleep....and I was changed!

Throughout the next several months, little things brought me a great amount of joy. Many of them were fun times with friends, classroom discussions in my bible classes, and the fulfillment that comes when you let go of the reigns and figure out how to be yourself with people who don't know you. It was painfully beautiful. One little piece of encouragement that God provided for me was the amount of times that I heard the song "After The Rain" on the radio. I laugh when I reflect on this, hard to believe that God would use a hair band to encourage me. But, hey, He knows me all too well! This song seemed to follow me during that time of my life and I sing it in my head when I remember.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I believe there is a big difference between God using this heartache to draw me closer to him and God causing me to fall in love with someone so that I would be closer to Him. This is a huge part of my counseling and encouraging believers because one leads to a more intimate understanding of God and His love and the other leads to guilt, shame and the idea that God is ok with hurting us if it brings good. If you have sat in a bible study with me, if you have opened up to me about some of your pain or if you have tried to convince me that God causes bad things for good...then you have seen how passionate I am about this.

When I think about the many blessings that I have in my life, the precious husband that God gave me, the beautiful daughters that I have been entrusted to, the career that is so fulfilling to me I am overwhelmed with joy. When I reflect on that relationship and that time of growth for me I still find comfort in the ways that God became so tangible for me....and I am grateful.

Rich Mullins - Awesome God - Live

I have a very distinct memory of being in "the cave" at Rainbow Christian Camp and being introduced to this song for the very first time-1987 I believe. I'm totally going to show my age, but this was during the time when contemporary christian music was making it's way into the worship services in our conservative churches. As a teenager, I was thrilled to learn new songs at camp and Amy and I would sing them all year long. Actually, she would learn to play it on the piano, figure out the harmonies and I would sing along! This is when my love for Rich Mullins was born. There have been so many songs that he wrote that I have loved more...but this is when it began.

This is just one of a thousand wonderful beginnings for me and my spiritual journey that Rainbow Christian Camp provided. I went for the first time as a 4th grade camper-and I went every year after. When I got old enough, I started volunteering and helping at the younger camps as well as attending as a camper for "Last Chance" week. It was during these weeks of camp that I would find rest and rejuvenation that would last me a whole school year. I remember saying that we could "hide away" from being "in the world" and just "be ourselves" and not have to "worry about guys or anything"....well, that was a bold-faced lie! I packed my cutest outfits, flirted with a different guy every year and actually invited one to a valentine's dance one year....we were pathetic!

But in spite of all that, I had some amazing worship times that truly taught me how to close my eyes, intentionally prepare my heart and mind to pour myself into worship to my Savior. I am so grateful! I remember one year they walked us through the crucifixion story...we listened to hammers, wrote our sins out on paper, and nailed them to the cross. I still go back at times to that night during my communion meditations. I remember being challenged by adults to make my faith my own, take Christ to my school, and dedicate my life to Christian service....and God used those seeds that were planted to grow a faith that I am still clinging too.

It's funny how life cycles sometimes. I am writing this 10 miles from that camp. I have worked in the office, the kitchen and as a volunteer. I spend at least one week every summer serving and teaching teens during the Senior High week of camp...only it's called "Higher Ground" and the dean is my husband. My children LOVE to go to their week of camp, they love even more packing up and going for Russ' week, Russ is a board member and I intend on working in the kitchen with Tess this summer. I must admit that at times when I walk onto that campus with Russ and everyone knows his name and I have to introduce myself as "Russ' wife" it irritates me. I have teased many of the staff about this being "my camp" before Russ ever stepped foot on the property!

Regardless, Rainbow Christian Camp is a ministry filled with a history of men and women who love the Lord and has blessed and continues to bless me and my walk with the Lord....and I am grateful!

Cheers Intro

I was having dinner with my girlfriend and we were discussing rather the amount of enjoyment we have in reconnecting with old friends was normal or an indication of how stuck in the eighties we were. As I drove home, I thought more about his question and started reflecting on what it really is about old friends that makes me long for them back. This, of course, led to tons of memories with my childhood friends.

We moved from Sulphur Springs in the middle of my 4th grade year. We moved ALL THE WAY to Middletown (I say that tongue in cheek for those of you not familiar with Henry County) and to me at the age of 9 it might as well have been all the way across the country. I had just made my very first "best friend" that I've ever had....it was awesome. I remember the comfort of going to school everyday knowing just who I was going to play with at recess, who I would be greeted by and knowing that no matter how bad my spelling test went or how grouchy the teacher was....I knew who my BFF was. I remember saying goodbye, crying, and being terrified of my first day in my new school.

As you can safely presume, I did just fine in the move. Loved my house, loved the neighborhood, got some new friends...but something was missing. I knew it, my parents knew it and we all talked about how I just needed to find a few really good friends.

Finally during the 7th grade, I met Amy. Within a few months we were so close that all of the slumber parties, shopping trips and 3 hour phone calls were in full swing...and we never looked back. She and I were considered "twinkies"-they used to tell us that you never see one without the other and that was just fine with me. That friendship provided that same comfort I experienced in 4th grade....I knew just who to look for in the lunch room, I knew exactly who to share my secrets with, we manipulated and planned to be together as much as possible and by the time we went to high school we practically shared youth groups. I love those memories and I still consider her one of my favorite people on the planet. That friendship became a turning point for me and I became a "social butterfly".

My oldest daughter is 15 and at this point in her life has a group of good friends that she cannot wait to get out of the house to spend time with. I have become a taxi driver for her....and I'm honestly ok with it. I am because everytime she leaves the house I remember what it was like to get into the car and head to the ballgames and dances with my friends, to spend the weekend at Amy's to help her babysit her nieces and nephews, go hang out and watch Kevin and Warren's band practice for their next "gig", pretend like I was a cop with Greg and every other stupid thing I did that made me feel the joy that only comes from being in a place where you are confident that you are loved, accepted and wanted.

With every change since my high school graduation there is a new battle within me. I miss the old and fear the new until God places a beautiful friendship in my life that helps meet a need in me that I have had since I was a little girl. I struggled so much my freshman year at college because I just didn't know where I fit...and God gave me Michelle. My first home in a new town, new job and new marriage...God gave me Lori. We moved again, and I had 3 young children that I cared for at home....and God gave me a small group filled with couples that we loved and that loved us back.

God is a relational God and the need to be a part of a community is probably my most important one. I am filled with joy when I get to talk with an old friend and begin blossoming when He places a new one in my life and once again I find myself grateful!

It Is Well

Death...what an ugly, fear-evoking and dark word. I am fearful of the emotion that I am going to feel as I write this blog-I've been avoiding it for a few days. I am fearful of the bad dreams that I have when I allow my mind to ponder the loss of loved ones both past and in the future. I am fearful that my emotion will present itself as a plea for pity. But my goal is to write transparently about some of the songs that are connected to life-changing experiences for me. Grief and loss are childhood ones that I know changed me, but not sure I fully understand the extent.

When I was 3 months old, my family experienced what psychologists claim to be the worst kind of grief...the death of a child. She was three, her name was Tessa and her death, I believe, changed the kind of home I was raised in. In the next 12 years following her death, my family experienced death consistently. I remember the summer morning that we got the phone call that there was a terrible car accident and my great-grandmother was instantly killed. My grandmother, aunt, and "grandma B" were on the way to Nebraska when a semi driver fell asleep and plowed over their little chrysler horizon.

I remember the night that Grandma and Grandpa drove one by one to tell each of their children and grandchildren that grandpa had a brain tumor that would take his life. We watched for months as his health failed and my family grieved. These two deaths were within 2 years of one another and I learned a lot about myself and my family through grief. Tragedy and terminal illness...both incredibly painful but each in their own way.

The day grandpa finally gave up the fight and went to be with Jesus is etched in my brain like it was minutes ago. All of my aunts and uncles were there and several of us cousins were waiting together in the living room while the grown ups were sitting with grandpa in his final moments. The story told is that Grandma reminded him that all of his kids were in the room with him and that he could let go...because we'd be alright. He breathed his last breath and we all cried together.

When it was time for us kids to go upstairs so that the funeral arrangements and transport could take place, we went upstairs to the apartment that our Grandma Bailey (who was killed in the car accident) stayed. We all gathered on her bed and sang....

Sounds crazy, I know. But that's what we did and it was one of the most beautiful memories I have of Jennifer and Christine. I was grief stricken, afraid, grossed out, angry and overwhelmed with sadness and they helped make it a beautiful memory by singing the Joni Earickson version of "It is well".

And Lord Haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

These words brought comfort to me on that day, and they still bring me comfort. I learned that real hope is in the fact that this world is only temporary and that in the presence of our Savior is where all things become perfect. Every once in a while I have a dream and I get to see Grandma B and grandpa...I truly love those dreams. I love those dreams because that harsh reality that sets in when I wake up usually makes me cry and then I spend the day dwelling on the Heaven that I know they, and so many other loved ones, are citizens of. I find joy in knowing that although death brings a sorrow that at times seems endless, there will be reunification in a home where there are no tears, no death, and an eternity of joy. I am motivated to live my life with this world view when I read the scripture in II Peter that tells me that I should live a holy and godly life as I look forward to the day of the Lord....and speed it's coming.