It Is Well

Death...what an ugly, fear-evoking and dark word. I am fearful of the emotion that I am going to feel as I write this blog-I've been avoiding it for a few days. I am fearful of the bad dreams that I have when I allow my mind to ponder the loss of loved ones both past and in the future. I am fearful that my emotion will present itself as a plea for pity. But my goal is to write transparently about some of the songs that are connected to life-changing experiences for me. Grief and loss are childhood ones that I know changed me, but not sure I fully understand the extent.

When I was 3 months old, my family experienced what psychologists claim to be the worst kind of grief...the death of a child. She was three, her name was Tessa and her death, I believe, changed the kind of home I was raised in. In the next 12 years following her death, my family experienced death consistently. I remember the summer morning that we got the phone call that there was a terrible car accident and my great-grandmother was instantly killed. My grandmother, aunt, and "grandma B" were on the way to Nebraska when a semi driver fell asleep and plowed over their little chrysler horizon.

I remember the night that Grandma and Grandpa drove one by one to tell each of their children and grandchildren that grandpa had a brain tumor that would take his life. We watched for months as his health failed and my family grieved. These two deaths were within 2 years of one another and I learned a lot about myself and my family through grief. Tragedy and terminal illness...both incredibly painful but each in their own way.

The day grandpa finally gave up the fight and went to be with Jesus is etched in my brain like it was minutes ago. All of my aunts and uncles were there and several of us cousins were waiting together in the living room while the grown ups were sitting with grandpa in his final moments. The story told is that Grandma reminded him that all of his kids were in the room with him and that he could let go...because we'd be alright. He breathed his last breath and we all cried together.

When it was time for us kids to go upstairs so that the funeral arrangements and transport could take place, we went upstairs to the apartment that our Grandma Bailey (who was killed in the car accident) stayed. We all gathered on her bed and sang....

Sounds crazy, I know. But that's what we did and it was one of the most beautiful memories I have of Jennifer and Christine. I was grief stricken, afraid, grossed out, angry and overwhelmed with sadness and they helped make it a beautiful memory by singing the Joni Earickson version of "It is well".

And Lord Haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

These words brought comfort to me on that day, and they still bring me comfort. I learned that real hope is in the fact that this world is only temporary and that in the presence of our Savior is where all things become perfect. Every once in a while I have a dream and I get to see Grandma B and grandpa...I truly love those dreams. I love those dreams because that harsh reality that sets in when I wake up usually makes me cry and then I spend the day dwelling on the Heaven that I know they, and so many other loved ones, are citizens of. I find joy in knowing that although death brings a sorrow that at times seems endless, there will be reunification in a home where there are no tears, no death, and an eternity of joy. I am motivated to live my life with this world view when I read the scripture in II Peter that tells me that I should live a holy and godly life as I look forward to the day of the Lord....and speed it's coming.