Welcome to my journal

I am in a funk. I advise lots of stressed out parents that I work with to remember how important it is to take care of yourself as well as your family. I know this is foundational in relationships, I understand the consequences of trying to influence our families and change our world when we are not ensuring that our schedules allow time for our own needs to be met, and my job as a therapist is to help empower others to take care of themselves. I have failed at practicing what I preach.

The last 5 years of my life can be titled "change". Russ and I made the decision to change the church that he (we) serve in and that exit left me with some rather deep battle scars. As we have transitioned into our new church family, I have gone to some great lengths to keep people from getting too close. We bought our first home and that change was a GREAT one, but change always brings about new traditions and leaving old ones, as my girls will attest to every time we drive past our "old house". In July, my parensts divorced and the one safe place for me became overwhelmed with anxiety and sorrow. I am in a funk.

I have been asked to teach a parenting class in Sunday school, be the main speaker at the Rainbow Christian Camp Ladies' Retreat, and am making an effort to disciple a group of 10-12 girls until they graduate. My children are growing right in front of me and in a few months two of our three daughters will be in the jr/sr. high youth group that we serve. God has called me to step out of my "turtle shell", engage with others and find some joy in His will so that I can encourage others to do the same and I am scared.

Lately I have been thinking about my decision to behave as if I am an introvert and I've asked myself what good it has done for me. Then answer is simple. I am isolated, lonely and bored-something has to be done. So after dinner with some friends, my first parenting class over with and a meeting to discuss the retreat theme I have decided to resort to a secret hobby that I have-writing. I love the idea of journaling but am very undisciplined about it. And, just to show you how dysfunctional my thinking can be, I fear that if I died and my loved ones found a journal that I had recorded my most private thoughts and fears they would be mortified. But I am an extravert at heart and have a desire to know and be known....blogging might be a good fit for me.

As I was accompanying my Ipod while doing dishes, I was pondering just what it was about music that brought me such pleasure. I am singing a song in my head all day long. I'm not kidding. All day long I sing silly songs, worship songs, '80's songs, pop tunes, commercial jingles, etc. I have a song attached to almost every pivotal place, phase or person in my life....and it hits me. There's a blog!

I am about to embark on a project that just might help me climb out of this funk I've so successfully fallen into and help me reflect, write and organize some of my emotions, and share some vulnerability to some people who care to get to know me or understand me a bit more. If you are reading this, thanks! Please read with some grace as I share with you the songs that have been there for me in my journey.