After The Rain

I am incredibly annoyed when I am sitting in a sermon, bible study, or with a group of christians in a spiritual discussion and one of the important passages of scripture is used out of context. I realize that I don't have the knowledge it requires to ensure that I never take God's word out of context....really I do. It's just that when I do have a bit of insight or knowledge that has deepened my understanding of who God is and how He loves, I get a little protective. I see this a lot when someone is struggling through a difficult situation and another believer uses Romans 8:28 to reassure them that God has a reason for it. It really bugs me! REALLY BUGS ME!! And, with all things, if I get that worked up about something it's due to "my stuff" getting triggered. Here is when Romans 8:28 became real, deep and transforming for me....

It was a "Harry Met Sally" kind of relationship that I had. By the time I was a freshmen at Johnson, I believed that this relationship would become a marriage. It had been years of friendship that grew deeper and deeper with every failed attempt to make it a "dating" relationship. I will admit that I was crazy in love with a friend who said he wanted to marry me, but would not stay in that kind of relationship with me for longer than a few weeks at a time. Our last attempt lasted from August to Thanksgiving...and I fell hard. I believed this was it...the beginning of the "real deal"....and then he left again.

I am embarrassed to put into words how much it hurt me....so I won't. I was young, naive and this "reality check" broke my heart. I made the decision to walk away from this friendship that had meant so much to me and God was with me...in very tangible ways that changed me and made my faith my own.

I sat late one night after a weekend spent with he and his family for a Thanksgiving dinner out of town. I spent that whole weekend knowing that this was it....I would be saying goodbye and in a way that I'd not done before...to anyone. It goes against my nature....I am an incredibly loyal friend. I grabbed a steno pad, a pen and said a prayer "God, help me do this." I remember a very presence of my Heavenly Father....the pen-the words-the fluency flowed out of my fingers and I knew it wasn't me. To try to put words to this is difficult for me because there just aren't any that make this sound intimate and not cheesy. But it was a precious moment between God and I....so much so that I saved the original copy. I know, I'm a sap!

I sent that letter that asked him to stop calling me and allow me to let go on the morning that I went back to Johnson after Thanksgiving break. I always drove with a group of guys from Anderson....and they were so patient with me. I literally cried from the time I got into the car until we pulled into the drive at Johnson! They just let me cry, cracked a few jokes, reminded me that I would be ok....all the drama that comes from heart ache! God Bless them all!!

Then began a journey between God and I that I will never forget. I cried a lot, I was very angry...and struck by an incredible amount of guilt for saying goodbye. Johnson was lonely for me up until then because my heart was not there...it was at home waiting for this relationship to turn into something bigger. So the healing process moved from a lot of tears alone at night to a renewed sense of confidence and independence that made me plug into this wonderful school filled with world changers in the making. I remember one night with such detail that I cry when I remember it. It was late, my roommate was gone for the weekend and I was crying. I was reasoning with God that this really was a good time for Him to take me home with Him...I didn't have a family yet, it was easier for me to praise him in Heaven than here etc. etc. All those crazy things you allow yourself to say when your thoughts and emotions are hurting. I closed my eyes and I felt a hand touch my face like a parent does for a child who is crying. I felt it as clear as if my own mother were sitting on that bed with me. I was filled with an enormous amount of comfort and I drifted to sleep....and I was changed!

Throughout the next several months, little things brought me a great amount of joy. Many of them were fun times with friends, classroom discussions in my bible classes, and the fulfillment that comes when you let go of the reigns and figure out how to be yourself with people who don't know you. It was painfully beautiful. One little piece of encouragement that God provided for me was the amount of times that I heard the song "After The Rain" on the radio. I laugh when I reflect on this, hard to believe that God would use a hair band to encourage me. But, hey, He knows me all too well! This song seemed to follow me during that time of my life and I sing it in my head when I remember.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I believe there is a big difference between God using this heartache to draw me closer to him and God causing me to fall in love with someone so that I would be closer to Him. This is a huge part of my counseling and encouraging believers because one leads to a more intimate understanding of God and His love and the other leads to guilt, shame and the idea that God is ok with hurting us if it brings good. If you have sat in a bible study with me, if you have opened up to me about some of your pain or if you have tried to convince me that God causes bad things for good...then you have seen how passionate I am about this.

When I think about the many blessings that I have in my life, the precious husband that God gave me, the beautiful daughters that I have been entrusted to, the career that is so fulfilling to me I am overwhelmed with joy. When I reflect on that relationship and that time of growth for me I still find comfort in the ways that God became so tangible for me....and I am grateful.