Rich Mullins - Awesome God - Live

I have a very distinct memory of being in "the cave" at Rainbow Christian Camp and being introduced to this song for the very first time-1987 I believe. I'm totally going to show my age, but this was during the time when contemporary christian music was making it's way into the worship services in our conservative churches. As a teenager, I was thrilled to learn new songs at camp and Amy and I would sing them all year long. Actually, she would learn to play it on the piano, figure out the harmonies and I would sing along! This is when my love for Rich Mullins was born. There have been so many songs that he wrote that I have loved more...but this is when it began.

This is just one of a thousand wonderful beginnings for me and my spiritual journey that Rainbow Christian Camp provided. I went for the first time as a 4th grade camper-and I went every year after. When I got old enough, I started volunteering and helping at the younger camps as well as attending as a camper for "Last Chance" week. It was during these weeks of camp that I would find rest and rejuvenation that would last me a whole school year. I remember saying that we could "hide away" from being "in the world" and just "be ourselves" and not have to "worry about guys or anything"....well, that was a bold-faced lie! I packed my cutest outfits, flirted with a different guy every year and actually invited one to a valentine's dance one year....we were pathetic!

But in spite of all that, I had some amazing worship times that truly taught me how to close my eyes, intentionally prepare my heart and mind to pour myself into worship to my Savior. I am so grateful! I remember one year they walked us through the crucifixion story...we listened to hammers, wrote our sins out on paper, and nailed them to the cross. I still go back at times to that night during my communion meditations. I remember being challenged by adults to make my faith my own, take Christ to my school, and dedicate my life to Christian service....and God used those seeds that were planted to grow a faith that I am still clinging too.

It's funny how life cycles sometimes. I am writing this 10 miles from that camp. I have worked in the office, the kitchen and as a volunteer. I spend at least one week every summer serving and teaching teens during the Senior High week of camp...only it's called "Higher Ground" and the dean is my husband. My children LOVE to go to their week of camp, they love even more packing up and going for Russ' week, Russ is a board member and I intend on working in the kitchen with Tess this summer. I must admit that at times when I walk onto that campus with Russ and everyone knows his name and I have to introduce myself as "Russ' wife" it irritates me. I have teased many of the staff about this being "my camp" before Russ ever stepped foot on the property!

Regardless, Rainbow Christian Camp is a ministry filled with a history of men and women who love the Lord and has blessed and continues to bless me and my walk with the Lord....and I am grateful!

Cheers Intro

I was having dinner with my girlfriend and we were discussing rather the amount of enjoyment we have in reconnecting with old friends was normal or an indication of how stuck in the eighties we were. As I drove home, I thought more about his question and started reflecting on what it really is about old friends that makes me long for them back. This, of course, led to tons of memories with my childhood friends.

We moved from Sulphur Springs in the middle of my 4th grade year. We moved ALL THE WAY to Middletown (I say that tongue in cheek for those of you not familiar with Henry County) and to me at the age of 9 it might as well have been all the way across the country. I had just made my very first "best friend" that I've ever had....it was awesome. I remember the comfort of going to school everyday knowing just who I was going to play with at recess, who I would be greeted by and knowing that no matter how bad my spelling test went or how grouchy the teacher was....I knew who my BFF was. I remember saying goodbye, crying, and being terrified of my first day in my new school.

As you can safely presume, I did just fine in the move. Loved my house, loved the neighborhood, got some new friends...but something was missing. I knew it, my parents knew it and we all talked about how I just needed to find a few really good friends.

Finally during the 7th grade, I met Amy. Within a few months we were so close that all of the slumber parties, shopping trips and 3 hour phone calls were in full swing...and we never looked back. She and I were considered "twinkies"-they used to tell us that you never see one without the other and that was just fine with me. That friendship provided that same comfort I experienced in 4th grade....I knew just who to look for in the lunch room, I knew exactly who to share my secrets with, we manipulated and planned to be together as much as possible and by the time we went to high school we practically shared youth groups. I love those memories and I still consider her one of my favorite people on the planet. That friendship became a turning point for me and I became a "social butterfly".

My oldest daughter is 15 and at this point in her life has a group of good friends that she cannot wait to get out of the house to spend time with. I have become a taxi driver for her....and I'm honestly ok with it. I am because everytime she leaves the house I remember what it was like to get into the car and head to the ballgames and dances with my friends, to spend the weekend at Amy's to help her babysit her nieces and nephews, go hang out and watch Kevin and Warren's band practice for their next "gig", pretend like I was a cop with Greg and every other stupid thing I did that made me feel the joy that only comes from being in a place where you are confident that you are loved, accepted and wanted.

With every change since my high school graduation there is a new battle within me. I miss the old and fear the new until God places a beautiful friendship in my life that helps meet a need in me that I have had since I was a little girl. I struggled so much my freshman year at college because I just didn't know where I fit...and God gave me Michelle. My first home in a new town, new job and new marriage...God gave me Lori. We moved again, and I had 3 young children that I cared for at home....and God gave me a small group filled with couples that we loved and that loved us back.

God is a relational God and the need to be a part of a community is probably my most important one. I am filled with joy when I get to talk with an old friend and begin blossoming when He places a new one in my life and once again I find myself grateful!

It Is Well

Death...what an ugly, fear-evoking and dark word. I am fearful of the emotion that I am going to feel as I write this blog-I've been avoiding it for a few days. I am fearful of the bad dreams that I have when I allow my mind to ponder the loss of loved ones both past and in the future. I am fearful that my emotion will present itself as a plea for pity. But my goal is to write transparently about some of the songs that are connected to life-changing experiences for me. Grief and loss are childhood ones that I know changed me, but not sure I fully understand the extent.

When I was 3 months old, my family experienced what psychologists claim to be the worst kind of grief...the death of a child. She was three, her name was Tessa and her death, I believe, changed the kind of home I was raised in. In the next 12 years following her death, my family experienced death consistently. I remember the summer morning that we got the phone call that there was a terrible car accident and my great-grandmother was instantly killed. My grandmother, aunt, and "grandma B" were on the way to Nebraska when a semi driver fell asleep and plowed over their little chrysler horizon.

I remember the night that Grandma and Grandpa drove one by one to tell each of their children and grandchildren that grandpa had a brain tumor that would take his life. We watched for months as his health failed and my family grieved. These two deaths were within 2 years of one another and I learned a lot about myself and my family through grief. Tragedy and terminal illness...both incredibly painful but each in their own way.

The day grandpa finally gave up the fight and went to be with Jesus is etched in my brain like it was minutes ago. All of my aunts and uncles were there and several of us cousins were waiting together in the living room while the grown ups were sitting with grandpa in his final moments. The story told is that Grandma reminded him that all of his kids were in the room with him and that he could let go...because we'd be alright. He breathed his last breath and we all cried together.

When it was time for us kids to go upstairs so that the funeral arrangements and transport could take place, we went upstairs to the apartment that our Grandma Bailey (who was killed in the car accident) stayed. We all gathered on her bed and sang....

Sounds crazy, I know. But that's what we did and it was one of the most beautiful memories I have of Jennifer and Christine. I was grief stricken, afraid, grossed out, angry and overwhelmed with sadness and they helped make it a beautiful memory by singing the Joni Earickson version of "It is well".

And Lord Haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul.

These words brought comfort to me on that day, and they still bring me comfort. I learned that real hope is in the fact that this world is only temporary and that in the presence of our Savior is where all things become perfect. Every once in a while I have a dream and I get to see Grandma B and grandpa...I truly love those dreams. I love those dreams because that harsh reality that sets in when I wake up usually makes me cry and then I spend the day dwelling on the Heaven that I know they, and so many other loved ones, are citizens of. I find joy in knowing that although death brings a sorrow that at times seems endless, there will be reunification in a home where there are no tears, no death, and an eternity of joy. I am motivated to live my life with this world view when I read the scripture in II Peter that tells me that I should live a holy and godly life as I look forward to the day of the Lord....and speed it's coming.

Ain't It Great To Be Crazy!

If I'm being honest, silly songs are a daily occurance for me:

• I stuck my head in a little skunk"s hole, the little skunk said "well, bless my soul!"
• Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe raffe raffe raffe raffe.....
• Suffocation, suffo suffo cation. Suffocation an easy way to die
• Everybody's doin it doin it. Pickin their nose and chewin it, chewin it

etc.

The list is long, disgusting and incredibly immature...and I love them. They are an earmark on some very happy moments with my family...my very musical family. Since I was a very little girl my great grandmother, my grandmother and my mom have either sung to me, sang with me or ensured that music was being played in the car or house. I have memories of dancing with my grandma Bailey while she sang "How much is that doggie in the window". I have precious memories of singing in my little country church with my grandma Roberts. I love to remember the feeling I had in the backseat of the car while mom would shush us, turn up the radio and sing along with Foreigner! Our family get togethers usually included my 2 older cousins teaching us new silly songs that they learned in school and as we got older playing the piano while we gathered and sang. I love these memories for a lot of reasons....

Common sense and well-researched psychology both teach us that the foundation of our ability to love is rooted in rather or not we were loved as young children. I assure you that I was loved! My profession that God has called me to has opened my eyes to some incredibly sad little children who will not be able to love and be loved because of the selfish and horrific things that adults are capable of doing to children. Some days when I come home from work, I cry. I wander where God is in the lives of these people and I know that those questions make us all uncomfortable...but I ask them anyway. Why? When will it stop? How do they cope? What can I do? Usually, the questions are unanswered and leave me with an inner anger/frustration that I have learned to ignore so that I can function as a healthy wife and mother.

This I know to be true. These little songs that I sing to be silly and get a rise out of Russ and my girls are special to me because they represent a family filled with songs and love for me...and I am grateful!

Welcome to my journal

I am in a funk. I advise lots of stressed out parents that I work with to remember how important it is to take care of yourself as well as your family. I know this is foundational in relationships, I understand the consequences of trying to influence our families and change our world when we are not ensuring that our schedules allow time for our own needs to be met, and my job as a therapist is to help empower others to take care of themselves. I have failed at practicing what I preach.

The last 5 years of my life can be titled "change". Russ and I made the decision to change the church that he (we) serve in and that exit left me with some rather deep battle scars. As we have transitioned into our new church family, I have gone to some great lengths to keep people from getting too close. We bought our first home and that change was a GREAT one, but change always brings about new traditions and leaving old ones, as my girls will attest to every time we drive past our "old house". In July, my parensts divorced and the one safe place for me became overwhelmed with anxiety and sorrow. I am in a funk.

I have been asked to teach a parenting class in Sunday school, be the main speaker at the Rainbow Christian Camp Ladies' Retreat, and am making an effort to disciple a group of 10-12 girls until they graduate. My children are growing right in front of me and in a few months two of our three daughters will be in the jr/sr. high youth group that we serve. God has called me to step out of my "turtle shell", engage with others and find some joy in His will so that I can encourage others to do the same and I am scared.

Lately I have been thinking about my decision to behave as if I am an introvert and I've asked myself what good it has done for me. Then answer is simple. I am isolated, lonely and bored-something has to be done. So after dinner with some friends, my first parenting class over with and a meeting to discuss the retreat theme I have decided to resort to a secret hobby that I have-writing. I love the idea of journaling but am very undisciplined about it. And, just to show you how dysfunctional my thinking can be, I fear that if I died and my loved ones found a journal that I had recorded my most private thoughts and fears they would be mortified. But I am an extravert at heart and have a desire to know and be known....blogging might be a good fit for me.

As I was accompanying my Ipod while doing dishes, I was pondering just what it was about music that brought me such pleasure. I am singing a song in my head all day long. I'm not kidding. All day long I sing silly songs, worship songs, '80's songs, pop tunes, commercial jingles, etc. I have a song attached to almost every pivotal place, phase or person in my life....and it hits me. There's a blog!

I am about to embark on a project that just might help me climb out of this funk I've so successfully fallen into and help me reflect, write and organize some of my emotions, and share some vulnerability to some people who care to get to know me or understand me a bit more. If you are reading this, thanks! Please read with some grace as I share with you the songs that have been there for me in my journey.