More Than Words

This song is honestly kind of a sad one, really. Nineteen ninety something was when the band Extreme released this song and Russ and I both loved it. I cannot even come close to counting how many times we sang this song in the car (ok, butchered this song). We traded off who would take the lead, who got the harmonies....sigh! Such good memories....

It was the fall semester of my sophmore year at Johnson. Psychology class. Russ cracked a joke in the back row and I thought it was hilarious. I could recite the exact line, but no one would remember the commercial he was quoting and it would just not be funny. But trust me, it was funny! And anyone who knows me at all knows that I love to laugh more than anything in the world. It was his sense of humor that caught my attention and in a matter of months after that joke was when I left the relationship at home that caused me so much heartache. It was his sense of humor that healed my heart and brought joy into my life....and to this day it is his sense of humor that makes our entire home filled with laughter! My girls think their dad is as funny as I do, and we laugh a lot!

A hockey game was our first date....April of 1991. I remember 2 things about this date:
1. I wanted to see a fight...a big one with blood on the ice.
2. He walked beside me....

I remember calling home and telling my sister that I never realized how much time I had spent walking about a step behind some of the people that I loved until he walked beside me as we laughed the whole night. My home church was looking for a summer intern to work in our youth group so I called them..."I have just the guy!" My dad says it was the sneakiest thing I've ever done and I always argue with him. I wasn't being sneaky at all....I wanted to spend the summer getting to know this hilarious, outgoing youth minister in training because I saw something I just might want to hang on to for myself.

Except for the 3 occasions (2 in one day!) that he freaked out and broke up with me, I was right!

I'd love to tell you how perfect our marriage has always been....but I think the beauty of our 18 years of marriage is some of the scary, depressing and bitter places that we have been. Russ will tell you that he didn't grow up until he turned 30.....a rough start in marriage and ministry. I will confess that my insecurity has not been easy to deal with. We have 2 babies in heaven to meet when Jesus comes back and gets us that I lost in miscarriage....seriously the worst year in my life! We have been loved by members in the churches that we have served and we have been misunderstood and manipulated...another terrible year for us. Deaths. Births. Changes. Boredom....and this list goes on.

When I reflect on my life and have those moments when I wander about what my life would be like if I would not have married him, I shutter. Really, I shutter. There is this feeling in my body that immediately occurs after I think about the "what ifs" because there are so many things that I love about my life that would be gone if Russ was not my husband. That first date when he walked beside me was just a foreshadow of the strength and love that is with me every day for the 18+ years that I've loved this man. His love for our Savior and his committment to trying to love me in that Christ-like fashion has given me freedom. I have been freed from my desire to have a career in counseling because he loved my desire as much as I did. How do I know? Because he made so many sacrifices so that I could pay for my MA degree and have that career. I have been freed from the need to be in control because his love has fostered a level of trust that has changed me. I have been freed from having to constantly fear someone mad at me because His leadership inspires me to seek God's approval alone.

When the radio plays those first few guitar chords of the song, I remember the fun in Knoxville we had singing at the top of our lungs...the beginning of a life-time of fun! I imagine that we will grow old together and you will find us in some retirement center laughing and annoying our neighbors because they can't sleep for the sound of our laughter spilling into their room....and I am grateful!

Something to believe in?

I know it's been a while....it's been a bit crazy this spring/summer. Russ, the girls and I have had a wonderful summer of travel...a new experience for us! We drove to Hilton Head Island and spent yet another wonderful week on the beach with our dear friends the DeRome's. I love you all dearly! We came home, did laundry and repacked and flew to AZ to the White Mountain Apache Indian Reservation. We built 1 week long relationships with some incredibly beautiful Indian children and families who struggle to find hope in this beautiful but dark part of the US. I came home changed, burdened and restless...a place somewhat familiar.

I remember it like it was yesterday. A night travel in downtown Knoxville (truly one of my favorite places in the world) my junior year in college. God and I were beginning to get to know one another on a level that was new for me....(but not HIM, thankfully). There was a radio station that played 12 uninterrupted songs and I loved it! Poison's song "Something to believe in" came on the radio and at the time, I loved that song. I never have been a big fan of Poison, I still can't handle more than a second of Bret Michaels and I have a number of old friends who will make terrible fun of me for even giving them this little of attention. But, I LOVED THAT SONG!

I loved it because it forced me to feel for a moment a burden...a burden that felt like it should be mine...the burden of hurt, lost and hopeless people. It was my turn to do the bible study on our dorm wing and I decided to bring my love of that song, my bible, and an effort to communicate the burden that I felt when I heard that song. Of course, as you most likely suspected, it was not a life-changing moment for any of us...surprise! But, as with all of the songs that have made it to my blog, it was an earmark for an important time in my life.

For me, this song represents the time in my life that God was validating my call to the counseling field by sending reminders through hurting friends, my own hurt/growth, bible classes that pushed us to the urgency of the gospel message, and yes, more hair band songs. I began volunteering at a children's home and trying to build relationships with teens who were longing for love and acceptance. I joined some teams on campus that were created in efforts to help us sharpen our leadership abilities as we prepared to enter ministry and the work-field after graduation. I started taking my college classes more seriously and striving to digest as much information as my pea sized brain could hold for more reasons than my GPA. Bigger and better reasons....the fact that I was heading into a work world that God already had planned for me to love others through counseling, reach out to hurting and lost people even if they weren't asking, and to empower others to do the same. I truly loved my brothers in sisters at JBC (or should I say Johnson University-JU?) because of the bond of this calling we all shared.

I turned 40 this summer...and I hate it!! I hate it for all of the vain reasons, of course. But really what I'm wrestling with is this expectation to move into less of a learner in life and more of a leader. I find this exhausting, overwhelming and impossible for me to do without regularly making contact with my God. But that trip to AZ and a few other opportunities that have come along are pushing me to tap into that burden over and over again...and to do something! It is this burden that exhausts me daily, but points me to my need for my Savior...and I am grateful!