Ain't It Great To Be Crazy!

If I'm being honest, silly songs are a daily occurance for me:

• I stuck my head in a little skunk"s hole, the little skunk said "well, bless my soul!"
• Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe raffe raffe raffe raffe.....
• Suffocation, suffo suffo cation. Suffocation an easy way to die
• Everybody's doin it doin it. Pickin their nose and chewin it, chewin it

etc.

The list is long, disgusting and incredibly immature...and I love them. They are an earmark on some very happy moments with my family...my very musical family. Since I was a very little girl my great grandmother, my grandmother and my mom have either sung to me, sang with me or ensured that music was being played in the car or house. I have memories of dancing with my grandma Bailey while she sang "How much is that doggie in the window". I have precious memories of singing in my little country church with my grandma Roberts. I love to remember the feeling I had in the backseat of the car while mom would shush us, turn up the radio and sing along with Foreigner! Our family get togethers usually included my 2 older cousins teaching us new silly songs that they learned in school and as we got older playing the piano while we gathered and sang. I love these memories for a lot of reasons....

Common sense and well-researched psychology both teach us that the foundation of our ability to love is rooted in rather or not we were loved as young children. I assure you that I was loved! My profession that God has called me to has opened my eyes to some incredibly sad little children who will not be able to love and be loved because of the selfish and horrific things that adults are capable of doing to children. Some days when I come home from work, I cry. I wander where God is in the lives of these people and I know that those questions make us all uncomfortable...but I ask them anyway. Why? When will it stop? How do they cope? What can I do? Usually, the questions are unanswered and leave me with an inner anger/frustration that I have learned to ignore so that I can function as a healthy wife and mother.

This I know to be true. These little songs that I sing to be silly and get a rise out of Russ and my girls are special to me because they represent a family filled with songs and love for me...and I am grateful!

Welcome to my journal

I am in a funk. I advise lots of stressed out parents that I work with to remember how important it is to take care of yourself as well as your family. I know this is foundational in relationships, I understand the consequences of trying to influence our families and change our world when we are not ensuring that our schedules allow time for our own needs to be met, and my job as a therapist is to help empower others to take care of themselves. I have failed at practicing what I preach.

The last 5 years of my life can be titled "change". Russ and I made the decision to change the church that he (we) serve in and that exit left me with some rather deep battle scars. As we have transitioned into our new church family, I have gone to some great lengths to keep people from getting too close. We bought our first home and that change was a GREAT one, but change always brings about new traditions and leaving old ones, as my girls will attest to every time we drive past our "old house". In July, my parensts divorced and the one safe place for me became overwhelmed with anxiety and sorrow. I am in a funk.

I have been asked to teach a parenting class in Sunday school, be the main speaker at the Rainbow Christian Camp Ladies' Retreat, and am making an effort to disciple a group of 10-12 girls until they graduate. My children are growing right in front of me and in a few months two of our three daughters will be in the jr/sr. high youth group that we serve. God has called me to step out of my "turtle shell", engage with others and find some joy in His will so that I can encourage others to do the same and I am scared.

Lately I have been thinking about my decision to behave as if I am an introvert and I've asked myself what good it has done for me. Then answer is simple. I am isolated, lonely and bored-something has to be done. So after dinner with some friends, my first parenting class over with and a meeting to discuss the retreat theme I have decided to resort to a secret hobby that I have-writing. I love the idea of journaling but am very undisciplined about it. And, just to show you how dysfunctional my thinking can be, I fear that if I died and my loved ones found a journal that I had recorded my most private thoughts and fears they would be mortified. But I am an extravert at heart and have a desire to know and be known....blogging might be a good fit for me.

As I was accompanying my Ipod while doing dishes, I was pondering just what it was about music that brought me such pleasure. I am singing a song in my head all day long. I'm not kidding. All day long I sing silly songs, worship songs, '80's songs, pop tunes, commercial jingles, etc. I have a song attached to almost every pivotal place, phase or person in my life....and it hits me. There's a blog!

I am about to embark on a project that just might help me climb out of this funk I've so successfully fallen into and help me reflect, write and organize some of my emotions, and share some vulnerability to some people who care to get to know me or understand me a bit more. If you are reading this, thanks! Please read with some grace as I share with you the songs that have been there for me in my journey.